"Dad, I Want To Know About The War": How One Question Unlocked 43 Years Of Silence
Eight words. Eight simple words that hung in the air between a father and daughter for a brief moment in 2016. For 43 years, Becky Ellis had watched her father guard the story behind the single World War II document that hung above his desk – a Silver Star certificate that no one dared ask about. But on that day, at age 89, he asked if they had "any issues to clear up." And finally, she found the courage to ask.
“Dad, I Want to Know About the War.”
His first response? "My feet were frozen for 172 days. There's nothing more to it." But there was more. So much more. And in this week's episode of Stories That Live In Us, Becky shares how that one brave question opened a flood of stories that would transform not just their relationship, but her understanding of herself.
The Whole Story
There's so much more to this story than I can share here. Watch the full episode to witness the beautiful moment when Becky's father finally opened up about his war experiences, and learn how you can create similar breakthrough moments with your own family members.
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🎧 Listen to the full episode to discover:
- The decades of silence punctuated only by occasional "machine gun bursts" of stories when he'd been drinking
- The precise moment Becky grabbed paper and pen from her junk drawer as her father began to share
- How his unit's 300% casualty rate helped explain his approach to survival – in war and in life
- The weekly conversations over seven years that followed that first breakthrough
- The profound moment her father started wearing his WWII Veteran hat in public
- How understanding her father's trauma helped her recognize patterns in her own parenting
The Power of One Story
For 43 years, Becky's father carried his war experiences alone. As a Staff Sergeant in the 104th Infantry Division, he survived 172 days of continuous combat – the longest consecutive battle deployment of any American unit in World War II. That experience shaped everything: his approach to parenting, his relationships, even the way he moved through the world. But until Becky asked that question, until she showed up with persistence and patience equal to his stubborn silence, those connections remained hidden.
"We are all profoundly shaped by the secrets we keep and forever changed by the stories we share."
Her father's journey from silence to sharing didn't just help her understand why he taught her to shoot a gun or made her learn to water ski without quitting. It helped her see him, for the first time, as a complete person – wounded, complex, and separate from his role as her father.
Your Story
What unasked questions echo in your family's silence? What stories lie behind the certificates on walls, the medals in drawers, the photographs no one discusses? Sometimes the most profound family connections begin with the courage to ask and the patience to listen – even if the answer takes years to fully unfold.
Story Seeds 🌱
Plant these conversation starters and watch your family stories grow.
- For Parents/Grandparents: "What's one story from your life that you've never shared with me? I'm ready to listen."
- For Siblings: "Are there stories our parents wouldn't tell that you’ve always wondered about?"
- For Extended Family: "What's the story behind [that photograph, medal, document] I've always wondered about?"
- For Veterans in Your Family: "I'd like to understand more about your time in the service, whenever you're ready to share."
Story Sparks 🔑
Unlock your family's hidden stories with these research techniques.
- Look for clues in family photos – military uniforms, medals, or unit insignias can spark conversations about service experiences. Use MyTreeTags in your Ancestry family tree to tag family members who served in the military. You can use filters to quickly pull up a list and revisit their profiles.
- Search the military record collections on Ancestry and Fold3 for information about a relative’s enlistment and discharge. Do additional searches on Newspapers.com to learn about local reporting of medals, commendations, and unit assignments. Understanding the unit's history can provide context for personal stories and knowing where and when your ancestor served can help you ask more informed questions.
- Add another tag called "Untold Stories" to mark family members whose experiences you want to explore further. Add notes about potential conversation starters.
As Becky discovered, sometimes the most meaningful family connections emerge not in the first answer, but in the patient listening that follows. Her father's initial response – about his frozen feet – was just the beginning. The real story, the deeper connection, emerged over seven years of weekly conversations, each building on the last.
The courage to ask that first question changed everything. But it was the patience to keep listening, to keep showing up, that transformed their relationship.
"We all want to be seen and heard. But what we really want is to be felt."
Ready to discover the stories living in your family's silence? Subscribe to Stories That Live In Us wherever you get your podcasts. And if this episode touched your heart, please leave us a rating and review – it helps other family story seekers find us.
© 2025 Crista Cowan. All rights reserved.
